Setup: Boarding a plane after a layover in Salt Lake, the swishy guy checking us in gives us a quick once-over. He makes a crack about us looking like a pair of groggy honeymooners. Then, addressing my girlfriend by name…
He says: Did the animal show you a good time?
She says nothing. I say nothing. Embarrassed laughter.
We should have said:
NO BAGS
Setup: I’m at a convenience store, purchasing a case of beer and a bag of ice for a party. As I’m trying to exit the store, a man moves in front of me, sets a Pepsi on the counter and says, emphatically, “No bags, no bags, no bags, no bags!” He won’t budge and I can’t get around him. I say, “Excuse me.”
He says: Get the f*ck out of my way!
I say: Oh, ok. Now I’m in your way?
I should have said:
F YOU, GOOD SIR
Setup: I’m holding a couple of bags. The train’s crowded. And despite my best efforts to move out of the way of the opening doors, my timing’s a beat or two behind.
He says: Why don’t you just stand in the way!!
I say: I’m trying to move!
I should have said:
